Finally, the world’s worst problem has been solved.

Let’s face it, some people are pure scum. You know who I’m talking about: dunny delayers, loo loiterers, s**thole slowpokes – they go by many names. They make me so mad I can barely express myself. These people – I mean, really, are they even people? Sorry. Tolerance and respect. Tolerance and respect. 

These people, you see, they go to the bathroom for more than five minutes… while at work.

I know, right!? Are you giving birth!? Get out of there! You’re not being paid by the bowel movement!

Oh, I know what the kind minded among you are saying. You always have a soft word and a lilting excuse for junk humans. “Maybe they actually need to be in there,” you say.

“If someone feels the need to escape by sitting on a smelly toilet, maybe you should think about how awful your workplace must be,” you argue, and you better not say that again because there is no such thing as a workplace that can’t be fixed by working until you burn out.

Thankfully someone has finally come up with a modern invention that’s worth a damn (before you say anything about smartphones let’s remember they’re a dunny delayer’s best friend). It’s called StandardToilet. It’s a toilet that becomes uncomfortable to sit on after five minutes. The patent holders literally have a business case that says it could help companies save billions through greater staff productivity. By arcing the toilet downwards by five to eight degrees they can reduce time on the toilet by 10-25 cent. If that arc is 8-13, they can reduce it by more than 25 per cent.

Genius.

It’s also good for haemorrhoids

The inventor of this miracle seems to be one Mahabir Gill. He spoke to the BBC about the reasons behind its creation. 

“It came from my personal experience where I stopped off at the motorway to go to the loo and realised there’s a huge queue… I wondered what people were doing in there, some were coming out with their mobile phones.”

Gill, we’ve all been there. It’s hell. I’ve got a support group going, DM me.

The article goes on:

Mr Gill said a prototype of the toilet has been built and he has tested it himself.

He added that the optimum angle is between 11 degrees, where staying seated for more than 15 minutes remains comfortable, and 13 degrees, where “five to seven” minutes is the maximum. Mr Gill pointed to a medical study, which discusses the risks of spending too much time on the toilet – including haemorrhoids.

You’ve got to respect someone who knows how to play the game. I get ya, Gilly boy. You invented an uncomfortable toilet because it’s good for haemorrhoids (wink).

I am being completely dead-eyed serious when I say that if Gill had been opposition leader instead of Corbyn, Labour would have won in a landslide. His political skills, and his toilet, are that great.

This is a beginning, not an end

The only problem with the toilet is that it alone cannot boost workplace productivity sufficiently. We need more ideas. 

Chinese tech companies are in the right headspace. They have programmer motivators, who are hired for their good looks, their ability to delight the anxious and give massages. They act as ‘workplace cheerleaders’ (sans pom poms) for their predominantly male programmer colleagues, and some employers and staff see them as a way to attract top candidates.

Now, many say this is deeply problematic. They argue it not only entrenches sexism but the role itself is essentially pseudo-sexual, which is not at all appropriate in any workplace. 

To those people, you just have to respond that all moral objections must be put aside if there is even the smallest chance of the most miniscule productivity gain. Our new mantra must be “Think of the awkward toilet. Think of the awkward toilet.”

So let’s not stop at cheerleaders and slanted potties. Let’s get all desk workers on an Upwork-esque tracking system, so that we’re all rated by how many times we tap our keyboards. Let’s have tonal analysis of phone calls, and constant recording of computer screens. Let’s shove microchips into all employees – oh, that’s not legal? 

Let’s change the law then! Change all the laws! Eliminate working time limits, get rid of weekends, and bring back whips! And when they try to stop us, just reply, “We must support the awkward toilet!”

…

Anywho, that was the dumbest article I’ve written in the last ten years. Bring on 2020. Have a great break, and happy New Year everyone!